dave’s been driving me crazy for weeks in search of a chipper to make mulch out of a mountain of brush and limbs he cut this spring, and not your ordinary 2.5 or 5 horsepower chipper. no folks, we need a 10 hp chipper so we can chip everything on the property and in the future any dead bodies we happen upon. we also have to have the exact 10 hp chipper that our old neighbor had because dave’s familiar with that one and it’s "the best." however, we (and "we" in this case will be a synonym for "dave") don’t want to buy the 10 hp chipper brand new, that would be too easy. no, instead we need to obsessively check craigslist and wait for one to show up there. after weeks of searching, low and behold dave finds the exact 10 hp chipper like our old neighbor had in the hands of a fellow that lives 45 minutes away. let me briefly mention that the reason he knows we need a 10 hp version is because a few weeks ago we drove 45 minutes to look at a 5 hp one but that apparently was not powerful enough for our 10 hp needs. so saturday morning we set off in our big, old, awesome van with no air conditioning in the miserable heat for our 45 minute (one way) trip to get our 10 hp chipper just like our old neighbor had. that deal was completed and dave was thrilled with his purchase. we decided on the way home to detour into west nashville and pick up a couch that a store was holding for us, since we were already out in the van. here’s where the story gets really interesting…if you’ve only been skimming at this point you may want to pay closer attention.

while i’m paying for the couch, dave & a fellow from the store head out to the van to load the couch. i’m walking out of the store a minute or two later and i think i hear people yelling - or maybe it's music? (in nashville, a.k.a "music city," it's pretty typical for random music to be playing just about anywhere.) no, it's definitely yelling - actually two people yelling at each other. i should mention that dave has become generally a bit confrontational of late with complete strangers in situations where he perceives an injustice has occurred. so my immediate thought was “sweet jesus, who the hell is dave yelling at?” as i round the corner i look up and see a girl shouting and a guy has her in a headlock. wait a minute, that’s not a guy - that’s dave! i haven't a clue what’s going on except that dave's yelling to call the police, she's shouting out for help and insisting "he’s hurting me,” the guy from the store is standing nearby looking incredibly befuddled and i’m thinking that dave is about to get his teeth knocked out by some vigilante-type passerby who will jump in and stop the "assault." apparently a lot of life can happen in a minute or two and here's what i missed: dave opens up the back of the van and finds a girl leaning over the passenger seat looking back at him. they're equally surprised to see the other and both freeze for a moment. dave's wondering how in the world i beat him out to the van and then the "wait, you're not kym" light bulb switches on at which point he yells “oh hell no” and takes off in hot pursuit of a thief and our stereo. even with a head start she really wasn't much of a match for dave and he was able to catch her pretty quickly though not before she threw our stereo on the sidewalk. once he has her controlled he moves from that fantastic headlock i witnessed and holds onto her by the wrists. she was putting up quite a belligerent fight and all the while contending - quite convincingly to my honest ears - that she didn’t steal our stereo. i quickly realized that while becoming "a bit intolerant of bullshit" in his older years (to use his words), fortunately for all of us, dave's not just jumping random girls walking past our van. the evidence was on the sidewalk and if that weren't enough, while he held our squirming, young, would be thief i went back to the van and found that the little jackass had not only ripped the stereo out, pulled everything out of the glove compartment and thrown it all over the van but for reasons unknown she had also torn the carpet up.

 

vigilante davethe police were called and fortunately the girl started to calm down. after admitting that she did steal the stereo and accepting that she would be arrested shortly she was able to convince dave that she was no longer a flight risk and he could release her wrists, perceptively muttering “i wouldn’t be too hard to catch anyway." i asked her what the point was and how much was she going to get for the stereo and was shocked when she looked at me dejectedly and said “twenty bucks.” seriously, you're going to risk a felony charge for $20??? that was shocking to me and i realized i could never relate to the kind of desperation, whatever the cause, that would lead you to make such a decision.

several minutes of banter regarding her sorry situation followed while we waited for the police, interrupted only by a colorful and fortunately brief visit from who we're assuming to be her boyfriend/accomplice.  he was very angry and seemed prepared to vent said anger on dave or myself. upon his departure i walked up to dave, took his wallet and whispered “i’m giving her 20 bucks” just so he didn’t freak out when i actually did it. i handed her the twenty, at which point she looked shocked and to her credit (at least as much credit as a thief deserves) she refused. i told her to take the money but that we were going to press charges because what she was doing was unacceptable and it wasn’t fair to people. and that’s when the magic happened…wait for it…our thief hugged me and thanked me profusely, tears running down her face. my favorite part of the story is that after we finished with the police and as she sat handcuffed in the back of the cruiser (i believe that is correct copper language) she mouthed “thank you” to me several times which made me respond “good luck” and made dave laugh at me.

we then had to go downtown to the police station and press charges and we’ll have to go back to appear for her trial. the process is a bit of a pain in the ass but the police officer was very happy we took the time. apparently there's been a rash of break-ins in this particular area. so on this particular saturday we left the house at noon and got home at 6:30 after spending a very hot day in a very hot van, up one chipper and one couch but sans stereo. all because dave had to have a chipper…at least i got a hug.  thank god she didn't try to steal the chipper - dave would have killed her!

we put one of the bday pillows out yesterday afternoon and watson’s reaction was perplexing at best. it wasn’t clear if he was terrified of the pillow, protecting the pillow from everyone else, or trying to protect everyone else from the pillow - suffice to say there was a lot of barking. it’s all a mute point as fletcher took care of the evil pillow, most assuredly at the behest of watson…

 

 

 

anyone interested in a slightly used pillow

david bought me 2 pillows for my birthday…this is news for 2 reasons (and one is not because he remembered my birthday – he always does). the first is that the pillows are stuffed with feathers – evidence that even people married to vegans don’t always understand vegans. i have to overlook the feather stuffing as he diligently removed all evidence of tags rendering them unreturnable. he was so diligent i could have been led to believe that he made the pillows himself. plus he went to the trouble of picking and buying them for me – i’m not a great returner of items like that. the second bit, both more odd and newsworthy, is that apparently watson has developed a fear, actually a significant fear, of pillows.

after i unwrapped the pillow i put it on our living room couch. for the next hour or so watson stood in the living room, staring at that pillow barking his head off. every time someone walked past the living room he barked like mad. at first i thought he was protecting the pillows until i walked toward him with it and he reacted as though i was a crazy-eyed killer wielding a machete. i actually felt as if i was being cruel to him, approaching with such a soft, fluffy item. i put that pillow away and picked up one that he has lived in harmony with his entire life. low and behold he ran away from that one too. we decided to put the birthday pillows away and give him some "pillow-safe" time so we’d have a control. oh how i love a scientific experiment. we’re now back to all the pillows we had before "the birthday pillow incident of '08" (if this were covered on cnn there would already be ominous theme music and a zippy graphic). this morning when tested he had no problem with old pillows. tonite we’ll bring one of the new ones out and set it on the couch when he’s not around and see what happens. maybe he thinks a pillow with feathers could fly around, zero in on him and smother him????

if your name is arliss pigg and you got to this page by googling yourself, and who among you hasn’t googled themselves, you’re probably wondering why you’re here. i heard your name on the local news a few weeks ago and, because it’s like the best name ever, named my rooster after you. i’m being completely honest when I say your name is amazing – it rolls off my tongue like butter and the 2 “s”s and 2 “g”s are like poetry in motion.

if you’ve read this blog before you might be wondering why i have a rooster to name. after all aren’t i the one who got 10 1-week-old hens a few months ago, painstakingly hand raised them and kept 5 lovely hens. that is i, however, apparently the people at the chick sexing plant do not have an error percentage rate of 0% - in this case it was more like 20%. i’m not blaming the employee, perhaps they were having a bad day or they took a phone call in the middle of my order but i really, really did not want a rooster, much less two. that being said, arliss pigg is a keeper – he’s sweet, lets me hold him and cock-a-doodle-dos whenever he sees me, plus he has a great name. the other rotten, no good rooster is a rotten, no good rooster. this week he has taken to pecking the crud out of me whenever i try to deliver him a hearty meal or a nice cold glass of water. he’s got me terrified to go into the damn chicken pen and every time i’m going in i tell dave if he hears me screaming to come help. apparently today he didn’t hear me screaming…had he heard me screaming and had a camera available he would have gotten an amazing shot of me poised in a karate kid position, trying to defend myself from a 5-lb rooster gone amuck. the rotten, no good rooster is going to his new home tomorrow.

we’ve had speck for exactly 6 weeks this weekend and two things stand out in this puppy’s development:

1. she has not grown up but she’s grown out. take a look at the picture on the right…you might think the photo has been manipulated or that i was standing over speck when taking the photo. you would be incorrect sir – i was standing directly in front of her and she is at actual size. she is a mighty 11’’ tall and i’m pretty sure that’s the same height she was the day we picked her up 6 weeks ago.
2. you might remember the episode of growing pains where mike is at a school dance and sees a beautiful girl across the gym only to be shocked by her horrendous voice when she speaks (or you might actually use your memory for more advantageous information). speck is that girl across the gym. she’s real cute and a pleasure to look at but her voice is absolutely atrocious. a few weeks ago i was having headaches and my jaw was bothering me. i thought stress was causing me to start grinding my teeth at night…then i realized that when speck barked (shrieked is actually a better word for it) i was tensing up and that was causing all the pain. dave told me i just needed to relax, be with it and let it wash over me. easier said than done, my friend.  i’ve since learned that i need to stay out of small, tiled rooms when she starts with her shrieking. i really think if she knew what her bark sounded like she would never make another sound again.

so to wrap up, we’ve got a midget ear terrorist who’s pretty cute! here’s a little video of her hijinks in the morning.

due to the fact that murray’s been ordered to not use stairs and there is no way out of our house without using stairs we decided a ramp was necessary. it was either that or a catapult. we were originally going to have a temporary ramp built on top of our front steps that could easily be removed when it was no longer needed and put back on if it became necessary again. then in a "lightbulb" moment we came up with the genius idea (and by we i mean i) of building a permanent ramp off the side of our front porch. it was genius for several reasons, the least of which being i knew murray wasn’t going to use something temporary – he’s a strictly permanent, built to codes kind of guy. there have also been several other periods of time in the past where a ramp would have been useful to our elderly dogs and saved us a few visits to the chiropractor. the ramp also has the added benefit of funneling traffic off the front porch and, if so inclined, i can lace up my heelys and take a run down it. oh yeah, i’m a proud 39-year-old heely owner…i just don’t have the guts to wear them to the mall like every kid over 6 does.  (i've added the catchy tune to drown out the sound of my horrendous voice).

happy birthday dave!!

here's a picture for your viewing pleasure of two of the universe's greatest products

indi must give off a scent that is akin to wearing a “kick me” sign – she’s our resident punching bag. i had hoped when we adopted another female that some of the male attention would be diverted from indi but speck isn’t carrying her weight. in fact now not only does indi have to take all the male attention but she’s got to do it with speck hanging from her face…

so we have a deck that is on the second story of our house where we will sit and eat meals. sometime last year i realized jewel would often stand on the lawn below the deck and stare up at us. unbeknownst to anyone else i would chuck food over the railing for her but it would generally hit a tree before landing, causing me to think jewel imagined the tree was of the giving variety. i started chucking food over whenever we ate there and at some point jewel caught onto me. i actually created a monster because every time we head to the door with food jewel rushes past us to get to her spot, almost knocking us over. if she were just a touch smarter she’d realize that if she actually succeeded in knocking us over she’d get all our food instead of little nibbles of it. the other day dave & i were snacking on some celery with peanut butter and when we got to a bad piece i threw it down for the yard monster. it was a bad (or perhaps a little too good) throw, however, and it landed on her back, peanut butter side down, of course. knowing with certainty it had to be very nearby, she spent a good amount of time looking for it to no avail,…nor did anyone else find it (real freaking sherlock holmes’ we have here). a little while later she and her piece of celery were sitting on the deck with me when the wind must have blown just right and she caught a whiff of herself, threw her head around and grabbed the celery off her back…what a loon.

   

        the deck                       jewel in position                        the celery

 

this is the scene most days after all the balls have been thrown and caught: